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Saint Franics of Assisi

 

STRAIGHT FROM THE STREETS OF GENEVA

 

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HOW YOU CAN PARTY LIKE A PRESBYTERIAN:

1. Do not wear a grey suit to church anymore

2. Acquire bling

3. Cultivate your sense of irony

4. Befriend teenagers

5. Doodle on your sermon notes

6. Watch "8-Mile" with your elders

7. Pray for hype beats

 

FUTURE PRESBYTERIAN DENOMINATIONS:

GPP: Gangster Presbyterian Posse

OPP: Other People's Presbyteries

PPPP: People's Presbyterian Party Pod

 

PRESBYTERIAN QUESTIONS YOU'VE BEEN TOO AFRAID TO ASK:

Q: "CAN I START MY OWN DENOMINATION?"

A: Absolutely! In fact, all you need is a cool acronym (see above), a rule book and a place to meet! You don't even need coffee in most instances nowadays.

Q: "CAN I LIKE RAP MUSIC/HIP HOP?"

A: Heck yes you can. Remember, in the words of Pliny the Younger, "That which doth drop like it's most hot doth make the haters go whaaaat."

Q: "WHY DO PRESBYTERIANS LOVE BOOKS?"

A: Presbyterian love books for two reasons. First, the smell of books reminds many scholars of their private British schools (Think C.S. Lewis although he was not Presbyterian). The second reason is because Presbyterians do not understand many of the jokes on today's sitcoms.

Q: "WHAT'S THE BEST BIBLE TRANSLATION"?

A: You're asking yourself a trick question. There is no best translation.

Q: "DO PRESBYTERIANS HATE DRUMS?"

A: Obviously not all Presbyterians since this website is dedicated to Presbyterian hip hop and 99% of hip hop songs heavily rely on drums. However, some Presbyterians do not like drums because in small sanctuaries it literally can make people go to the bathroom in their seats and/or kill them. In larger churches, drums are usually permitted because the large sanctuary can more evenly displace the banging and smashing tones of a drum set. A good rule of thumb is that if a church has a teeny tiny sanctuary they will hate drums. The bigger the church sanctuary, the more they will love drums.

Q: "DO PRESBYTERIANS HATE OTHER DENOMINATIONS?"

A: Of course not! Presbyterians don't hate anybody at all, they just know that everyone else is wrong so it just creates an awkward feeling of distance sometimes.

Q: "WHY ARE PRESBYTERIANS OBSESSED WITH CHURCH MEMBERSHIP"?

A: Because they have to! If you run a 5 star hotel you can't rent your rooms for $29.95 a night. You charge $499 a night because your hotel is freakin' awesome. Same thing for churches. if you go to a church that has no membership, rules or requirements then it must really suck! This is a "pearls to swine" scenario everyone. It's like comparing an Arby's hamburger with Kobe beef. Presbyterians have to get serious about membership because it's a kick-butt club with major benefits. You've got to see who's for real and who's just looking for a free ride. Trust me, it will payoff once you're in.

 

5 COMMON MISCONCEPTIONS ABOUT THE REFORMATION

1. It was just a ponzi scheme and/or club.

2. John Calvin was a cartoonist. He wasn't. In fact, he hated fun things.

3. Kids could drink free beer in church during the reformation.

4. Martin Luther dressed like Batman.

5. The "Diet of Worms" was what captured reformers were forced to eat as part of their punishment.

 

COMING SOON TO PARTY LIKE A PRESBYTERIAN:

• The most Presbyterian hip hop songs from the 1990s!

• More "Questions you were afraid to ask!"

• Do dogs go to heaven? Presbyterians don't even believe in dogs! The shocking expose.

 

 

PUT DOWN YOUR HYMNAL AND READ THIS:

It doesn't matter if you're OPC, PCA, PHP or RPCCPCCPAPHD! For too long Presbyterians have been stuck in our books and slouching in our pews. Now is the time to cast off our dark brown ties and start rocking some neon green puffer vests. Bring the bling brethren because it's time to start partying like Presbyterians. To quote from Martin Luther, "You can deal with this... or you can deal with that." Enough said. And let's not forget the sage words of J. Gresham Machen, founder of the Orthodox Presbyterian Church when, after lecturing the graduating class of Harvard University stated, "Well, I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want, I want to zig-a-zig Ahh."

PRESBYTERIAN FACTS AND STATISTICS:

1. Presbyterians love beer more than any other denomination!

2. 9 out of 10 Christians cannot correctly spell "Presbyterian"

3. 9 out of 10 Presbyterians cannot correctly spell "Presbyterian"

4. Martin Luther would win in a fight against anyone... Including Santa Clause

5. If you re-arrange the letters in "Presbyterian" it does not spell "Crunkjuice"

6. The word "Presbyterian" comes from the Greek root for "Elder"

7. The Greek word for "Elder" means "Old dude"

8. If you combine old people, beer and Yahtzee you get a kickin' good time

9. Pop Quiz: Which items in #8 are not present at your church's worship service?

10. Whiteboy hip-hop group House of Pain talked about the Pope in one of their songs.

11. Martin Luther was not friends with any Popes.

 

WHAT IS A "CATECHISM"? SEE IF YOU CAN GUESS:

1. A geological anomaly that occurs when water comes out between two rocks

2. A special room in private schools where misbehaving youngsters are quietly whipped.

3. The stylish zippered Bible holder that has pockets and places for pens/highliters.

4. A tasty snack made from figs, sugar and ground up human bones.

5. A large storm that occurs when pirates and rich people fight at sea.

6. A place where dead pastors are stored.

 

THE PRESBYTERIAN VIEW OF PREDESTINATION:

Contrary to popular belief, Presbyterians don't really want to believe in predestination. In fact, they don't really have a choice in the matter. Predestination chose them to believe in itself. So if you ask a Presbyterian, "Do you believe in predestination?" they will probably tell you they do and spout off some verse about God's sovereignty, man's fallenness, Scripture, etc... but they have to say that because predestination decided that they must before they were born. So don't be scared to ask a Presbyterian about predestination but just remember that the answer they give you they gave because they had to.

 

PREDESTINATION: ADVANCED DIALECTIC STRATEGIES FOR METAPHYSICAL DISCOURSE

What follows is for the advanced user only. I repeat, this for advanced, super-smart, Bible-scholar types (not new Christians or those weak in faith). This is an ultra didactic top-tier framework for pushing the reformed view of predestination beyond its boundaries and further into the future than thought possible. These are Phd-level questions that only be pontificated upon by those with advanced theological and academic training.

1. If you knew you were not going to be predestinated to know about predestination would you take a red pill that would make you not know you were predestined?

2. If you were predestination, would you choose you?

3. If you could go back in time and un-predestine yourself knowing that you had a 50% chance of becoming pre-destined again would you do it in exchange for the chance to see yourself as a baby?

4. If a tree falls on a predestined person alone in a forest, does it still happen?

 

HOW SHOULD I ACT WHEN I GO TO A PRESBYTERIAN CHURCH?

Some of you might be reading this website as outsiders to the fine world of Presbyterian things. I'm sorry for you. However, if you've read this far then chances are that you have seen the error of your ways and are considering attending and then joining a Presbyterian church in your area. That's great for you, congratulations. However, if you've never attended a Reformed Presbyterian Church before then you will need to know a few things before you so so you don't show up and look like a complete moron. Let's run through some of the most important things:

- Dress up! Not over-the-top but definitely a step up from "going to work." Imagine you're going to a funeral but you can't wear black.

- Get sober! Not from alcohol per se but just from the frivolities and diversions of life. Forget about how funny The Hangover 2 was and stop listening to your dang heavy metal music on the ride to church. If you want to know what facial expression you should have when walking into a Presbyterian church it's the same expression you would have while listening to classical music.

- BYOBB (Bring Your Own Big Books.) In other churches you can get away with bringing one of the super-cool slimline Bibles or even (gasp) an ipad or iphone with Bible app. But not in a Presbyterian church. You better leave the iphone in the car and instead bring the fattest, biggest, leatheriest Bible you can find (preferably a weird translation with the word "Geneva" in it) as well as some concordances, Greek study tools, notebook or possibly two notebooks. This will convey two things. First, you are here to learn and are serious about the sermon (the central event of a Presbyterian church service) and second- you are not coming just for the free coffee (your hands will be full of books so drink coffee before you come).

- Be Moderate! Moderate, thoughtful consideration is the hallmark of a solid Presbyterian. You can show your moderation (or at least fake it) by imbibing all of your words and actions with appropriate and reverent moderation whie attending your local Presbyterian church. This means that you should not walk fast or slow while walking from your car to the front door of the church. Also, shake hands with greeters and/or other congregants with 3 moderate shakes, no more, no less. During the singing, do not sing too loud nor too soft. Do not raise your hands up. If there are free refreshments you may take one of each unless there are more than 3 options then restrict yourself to two items. When you leave, seek to depart with the bulk of the congregation. Do not hurry out before the majority of other congregants and do not wait too long afterward and be one of the last people to leave.

WOULD YOUR DENOMINATION'S CHURCH FATHERS WIN AGAINST OURS? DOUBT IT.

Our Church Fathers Could Beat Up Yours

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